Yesterday marks two years since I started the blog. Happy (belated) Blog-day to me! Toot-toot! (That’s the sound of the birthday horn.)
When I started writing two years ago, I was in the very beginning stages of working out and eating clean. I started this blog because I love to write but mostly to document that journey. Since then, I have had some over the moon highs and pit of despair lows. If you ask me where I’m at right now, I’d have to say I often feel like I’m on a ladder that will get me to the moon but is simultaneously sinking in the mud at the bottom of the pit. Some days I am all the way out and reaching for the clouds. Other days I can physically feel the pull of quicksand. It is a real dilemma.
When I started writing I was all about vulnerability and writing things that were hard to talk about. Well, here’s what I didn’t say, being vulnerable is easy when things are going your way. Sharing about the big girl me of yesteryear was not hard to do when she was melting away on a weekly basis. My mantra was something like, “Say the things! Do the things! Talk about all the things that hurt! Let everyone know all the details so you can never go back!” Are you kidding? I felt like I was Taylor Swift. “The old [Heather] can’t come to the phone right now.” “Why?” “Oh, cause she’s dead!” Boy! The old Heather tried to eat her way out of the grave! That girl was so hungry.
Last year I wrote eight blog posts. Total. I didn’t want to tell anyone what was really going on. I mean no one went blind. They could see it with their own eyes. But I don’t see everyone that reads my blog, so not writing was something of a half veil. Of course, I was willing to tell the tale of once upon a time I was a snowman and then I transformed into a snowflake. Who doesn’t want to hear that story? Everyone wants to be a beautiful, shimmering snowflake. But talking about the snow drifts piling up and no one shoveling the driveway is a completely different situation.
I have struggled to find the balance my whole life. I am good at extremes but extremes can’t be maintained for long. And here I am again to bare my fresh wounds to you. This may be the 587th time I’ve started but instead of starting over, this time I’m starting stronger. I’ve said it before, this is not my first rodeo. I have lost and gained and gained countless times. It is however, the first time I haven’t gained it all back plus extra. (Give Him praise and glory!) So yeah, I’ve gained some weight, but I’m definitely not where I started. And, contrary to popular belief, there are worse things than gaining weight. In two years I could’ve become a murderer or a sociopath or a vegan. Guys, it could have been worse. Thank your lucky stars. Gaining weight did not depreciate my value. You will get the same return on your investment of friendship with me maybe even better because I am richer for my experiences and I will share them with you.
If I claim to be real, honest and candid I need to actually be those things. This is as truthful as I can be. Michael and I are praying to start a family. God willing, someday sooner than later. If you love us, pray with us. Our purpose was never to lose weight for better fitting clothes, it was so we would become healthy enough to have a baby without the additional complications of being obese. So as much as I want to slide back into my skinniest jeans what is most important is learning to maintain a healthy lifestyle before God blesses us with children so my children do not have to go through what I went through. I’m not talking about their size but their self worth. I want my children to grow up knowing they are worth so much more than what they look like. I want them to find their value and value others for what’s on the inside. I want them to know that it’s how smart, kind, compassionate, and loving people are that matters, not what the scale says, not what size they wear, not what color hair they have, or what they look like at all. I don’t want the word “diet” to be part of their vocabulary.
So between now and then my purpose is to live balanced and live well. That means eating nutritious foods the majority of the time but also enjoying myself when I choose to. It does not mean being rigid and holding myself to a standard so strict it’s impossible to maintain. It also does not mean eating fast food five days a week under the premise of “I’m enjoying myself!” which surely I would be but no ma’am. It means working out and keeping my body strong but it also means letting my body rest when it needs to. It does not mean resting for two weeks straight because I like naps more than reps. More importantly, it means feeding my heart, mind, and soul more consciously than I have been.
That last part has always and will always be what keeps me out of the pit. Making sure my spirit is renewed and I am focused on what God wants for my life keeps my feet on solid ground. I stay off the sinking ladder and climb the mountains right in front of me.
“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
Be blessed and stay off sinking ladders,
ANNOUNCEMENT: On a separate yet related note, I’ve decided to start writing mini blog posts about all my former dieting escapades. These range from Atkins to Weight Watchers to eating what was probably plastic instead of food (you’ll have to read it to believe it) and everything else in between. I’m trying to come up with a series title, but it’s a work in progress. (If you have ideas, drop a comment!) If you much prefer things to be lighthearted and humorous, keep your eye out for those!